Ups and Downs

Well, this blog was meant to give a day-by-day account of the ups and downs of pregnancy, but sometimes those downs can be hard to put into words.  The past couple of weeks have been very rough, especially this last week.  I haven’t even known where to start, and I’m still not sure what to say.

This evening I’m doing about as well as I have been.  Today when a student decided to play 20 questions hounding me about when I would have projects graded, I came up with a snarky response (I’ll be sure to put yours at the bottom of the stack, *smile*) instead of blowing up at him.  It took about every molecule of control I had, but I did it.  I haven’t missed work due to non-physical reasons yet, and I haven’t melted down in the middle of class.

I have had a hard time getting much work done.  I had intended to grade those projects yesterday afternoon but wound up spending all afternoon sobbing in Husband’s arms for no particular reason.  And that’s a lot less scary than some of the other things that have happened.

I don’t know if all of us female-types experience teenager hormones the same way, but I remember having violent mood swings back then, and this is much the same, but about 10 times worse.  I saw a new midwife at the practice yesterday and I hope she was just having a bad day, because she wasn’t interested in hearing about it but just said I might need medication for it and referred me to a therapist.  Yes, seeing the therapist might be helpful, but drugs are the last resort.  When I said I thought I might be anemic she just waved it off and said they would test me for it routinely next month and to wait until then, and didn’t ask why I thought I might be anemic.

Weekend before last when I was in the hospital I mentioned the anemia question to the midwife who was on duty that night.  She asked about my symptoms, nodded, suggested going on an iron supplement until they could test me and see if and how much I needed, and said to bring it up at yesterday’s appointment.  And this from someone who had just delivered a baby 20 minutes earlier.  I like her.

I really hope I am iron deficient, because that’s easily fixed and would explain a lot of what’s bothering me physically: constant headaches, lethargy, extreme shortness of breath.  Sure, it has its advantages, like the unbelievably delicious smell of the woods right after the rain that normally isn’t that exciting.  But when walking past the steel rebar at the home improvement store catches my attention because of the lovely scent, something is clearly wrong.  And I’m not going to eat the carbon paper at work.  Really, I’m NOT.  And if I keep telling myself that, hopefully it will remain true.  But when the metallic smell of your iron supplement smells yummy, that’s probably the surest sign that you need it…  The supplement I got is 25mg, which is about 140% DV.  Last time ’round, they had me taking 100mg daily after the 28 week test, so I may still be anemic when they test next month, but at least it shouldn’t get any worse and may in fact begin to improve.  But since too much iron is also bad, I don’t want to overdo the self-medicating.

Maybe it’s real?

I have a friend who is due about 6 weeks after me, and also several blogs of people due about the same time as me, and they have ALL been posting pictures of decorations and talking about baby plans.  Now, this isn’t my first child, but it’s not everyone else’s either.  So we took a cue from everyone else and <i>for the first time</i> we sat down and made a list of what we will need to get and do to prepare for Little Brother.  In all this time, we hadn’t yet done anything to get ready for this new child, besides conceiving him and going to pre-natal appointments.  So now we have a list, which in a way gives purpose to all the annoying rumbling, kicking, and somersaults that keep me awake at night, and the big bulge that won’t let me pick up toys off the floor or dig in the garden.

We actually made three lists.  The first is things we need to get NOW, as in, before he arrives:

• Low, wide dresser with a set of drawers for each child
• Baby book
• Book about becoming an older sibling
• New changing pad (Son has poked holes and torn the foam out of our old one)
• 6-pack of diapers, to replace ones we’ve lost or which have worn out
• 0-3 month clothes
• set of nipples for the breast pump bottles
• laundry hamper for downstairs

Then we made a list of things we will need soon, as in, before Little Brother is more than a few months old, all of which will be replacing things which we had for Son and which broke (aside from the car seats):

• Two new non-infant car seats
• Food processor
• Cabinet latches
• Tension baby gate

And a list of things we will need eventually, as in, by the time he is one year old:

• Large, sturdy wardrobe

We also made a list of things we want that aren’t “needs” but think he should have:

• Mommy-made blanket
• Plush hammer
• Painting of scenes from a particular story

The two boys will be sharing a large loft room with no closet.  Currently it has an old, falling-apart Ikea wardrobe that we acquired via freecycle, but it’s on its last legs and will need to be replaced soon, preferably before someone hurts themselves by climbing on or in it.  We looked around and noticed that functional and solid wardrobes are Expensive so we’re going to contact an artist that we know and see what he would charge for something simple – basically a box with doors and a hanging rod and a shelf inside.  It may be comparable, and all they need is something that will replace a closet and stand up to two boys.  The dresser that Son is using now doesn’t have enough drawers to work for two kids who wear different sizes, so it will need to be replaced right away so we can start taking stock of what clothes we saved, and what we need.  We still have the infant car seats which are still in date, and the crib and its bedding are fine, and plenty of toys.  So we really were kind of justified in not bothering to look at what we need any sooner than we did.

Just since everyone else is doing it, I’m going to jump on the bandwagon and post some old pictures of Son’s room to show what we’re working with color, furniture, and theme-wise:

Big Boy Bed

Corner of boys' room

Keeping it Together … Or Not

Last night a little after 10pm Husband found me crying in my car, in the driveway.  It was all I could do to hold myself together at work yesterday.  I couldn’t focus on anything that needed to be done, but I didn’t dissolve into tears at any point, either.  Then I bawled the whole way home and couldn’t bring myself to go inside.  I’m so used to being the strong one, having my hormones going haywire and taking me on this emotional roller coaster is embarassing and difficult.

Husband was very sweet.  He took me inside, held me, made a bowl of soup and hot chocolate for me.  I don’t know how I’m going to make it through four more months of this.  Physically I’m feeling much better, just generally sore as usual.  But the mood swings and lack of concentration are getting worse and harder to handle.

Gone

I am losing it.  It’s lost.  Gone.

I have a lot of pressure on me at the best of times, as the primary breadwinner, the mom, the organized person who handles the finances and tracks when maintenance and vaccines are due, keeps the calendar with the appointments, does most of the fixing things around the house, studies up on things like goat midwifery, etc.  Now my hormones are out of control, like when I was a teenager.  That was unquestionably the worst time of my life and I’d give anything NOT to have to relive it.  All together it is pushing me past the breaking point of sanity.

Such a Pathetic Mess

All was well, and then in the middle of the night Thursday night / Friday morning Son started showing signs of a stomach virus.  He was better but still a bit out of sorts on Friday.  Since the weekend weather was supposed to be great, we called Husband’s parents and asked if they would like to take Son out to a park for a few hours Saturday afternoon so we could get some work done around the house and outside, and they seemed to like that idea.

Saturday morning when we woke up Husband was not feeling well.  I felt fine.  I made coffee and drank half of it before the queasy hit me, too.  The virus wasn’t fun for any of us, but seemed to be worst of all for me.  I vomited much more than anyone else and couldn’t keep down even a sip of water or electrolyte.  I was losing much more water than I was drinking.  When my mother-in-law arrived she suggested taking Son home to spend the night with them so we could both rest, and that sounded like a good idea to us.

By 4:00 in the afternoon I had added diarrhea to the mix and Husband tried to page the on-call midwife to ask what to do.  However, the correct number had disappeared from my phone (good thing we caught that before I go into labor) and as it turned out he was leaving messages for the nurse hotline.  So we didn’t get a call back because it was Saturday.  I didn’t vomit any more after that, however, and by 8:00 had managed to keep down about 24oz of ginger tea, a small bowl of mashed potatoes, and was feeling well enough to put some of the dishes in the dishwasher.

I kept drinking the ginger tea slowly and at 9:00 was having a little bit more potato when I started feeling really queasy again, then lightheaded.  I called to Husband and got down on my hands and knees.  He arrived to catch me just as everything went black, but I never completely lost consciousness.  I remember him asking what he should do to help, and I couldn’t think enough to formulate an answer.

He had been preparing to take a shower at that point, so he took it downstairs where I could sit on the bathmat by the toilet and he could keep an eye on me.  Once out of the shower he packed a few things and we headed to the hospital.  Our nearest hospital is not the greatest, so it seemed wise to both of us to pre-emptively go to the better one before anything worse happened.

Once at the hospital they took me directly up to labor and delivery where the midwife on duty was the one that I saw at my last appointment.  She ordered a urine sample and I managed to produce a few drops which they briefly looked at before marching in and declaring me to be severely dehydrated.  They hooked up an I.V. of fluids and Husband and I attempted to get comfortable enough to catch a little bit of sleep.  I didn’t have a fever or anything, so after a liter of fluids they took another sample and when it was much better they discharged me – at about 1:30 am.

Mr. Fetus Man is doing just fine.  He’s small enough still that the fetal heart monitor on the belt didn’t do much good because he just wiggled away from it.  Husband got to hear just how much he moves, though, because it made a scratching white noise whenever he did so, which was nearly constantly.

We had been a little bit concerned about how Son would do going to bed at his grandparents’ house instead of at home, so at bedtime my father-in-law took a picture of him cuddling with grandma and reading bedtime books and emailed it to us.  I saw it right as we were leaving for the hospital and replied with a short note about what had transpired.  He called us once we were settled in and suggested that if they didn’t keep me overnight that we should go crash at their house afterwards since they live near the hospital.  And so we did that, finally going to bed at their house around 2:00.

Husband went to work on Sunday morning and my father-in-law drove Son and me home so we could take care of the animals.  We did fine until Husband came home, and then since it was such a nice day we went outside in the sunshine where I pointed and directed while Husband planted some bulbs I had been wanting to put in the ground.  Nobody ate much on Sunday but we all seemed to be on the mend.

Then this morning came.  Son was incredibly clingy and wanted to be held and rocked with his favorite blankets tucked around him, and showed no interest in playing.  He kept asking for foods and then not eating them.  I couldn’t stomach much either, and while I couldn’t put my finger on the problem I just felt “off.”  I decided to be superwoman and go to work anyway.  I used the restroom right before I left and noticed that the urine was a funny color, kind of orangish and darker than usual.  After being in the car about 5 minutes I realized that I had that familiar burning itching and HAVE TO PEE NOW sensation of a urinary tract infection.  Not what I needed on a day when I work until 9pm.  I turned around and went home and called in sick.

I called the midwives’ office and they had me come in for a urine sample, which turned out negative for all the things they normally test for.  Since I had all the symptoms and an obvious risk factor for a UTI, the nurse suggested taking cranberry supplements, calling again if it got worse, and otherwise waiting until my next scheduled appointment in a week.  We got the cranberry supplements and I’ve been drinking lots of tea today.

So, I’m a mess.  My stomach is still queasy when I eat or drink much of anything, but I haven’t vomited or had diarrhea since Saturday.  I’m still a bit burning and itching after I pee, but better than earlier today.  Hooray for cranberries!  I’m exhausted but too stressed to go to sleep this early, so I will try bed in a little bit.

The Difference

This afternoon we have an appointment scheduled with the midwife.  With Son I always was very excited about these appointments, and didn’t think they happened often enough.  But today I’m not really thrilled about having to interrupt my afternoon to drive 25 minutes to town (not our town, but the next one, but not either of the nearby Cities either) just to wait in the waiting room and then spend five minutes with the midwife while she measures my abdomen and says everything is fine.

This little monster is a very kicky fetus, much more active than Son.  He’s also a lot smaller, measuring average for dates instead of 2+ weeks bigger.  It’s rather nice, actually, and I’m hoping that I won’t become as enormous this time.

Son has started to recognize that something is going on.  He points to my tummy and says “Baby!” and then waves and says, “Hello, hi!”  It’s about time for us to get some books about how life changes when a new baby comes out of Mommy’s tummy.  I’m finally showing enough that I look pregnant instead of fat, which is a big improvement, but I’m not wearing maternity clothes yet.  Having dresses that can be tied to fit differently can be quite handy!

Birthday!

We celebrated Son’s second birthday today.  Two years ago at this time I was just about to start pushing.  He was born after 10:00 at night.  Son was in pesty form today, but so cute and sweet I couldn’t be upset.  He did many things like bringing me heads of garlic and wanting me to “open” them for him, coloring on the wall with a crayon, and opening presents that he wasn’t supposed to be getting into yet.  On the other hand, he did a great job of using the potty, giving me a back rub that lasted about 10 seconds, offering unsolicited hugs, and being cuddly.  Once his friends arrived for the party there was much running in circles and diving into the beanbag chair.  He blew out his candles on his ice-cream cake and opened lots of presents, but then shared them nicely until his friends left.

My brothers both gave him Mr. Potatohead sets, which take too much strength and coordination for him to be able to manipulate right now.  They went on a shelf for later, and I’m sure he will have lots of fun with them in a few months.  He received several books, his first Hot Wheels cars, and best of all, a box of toy dinosaurs.  The largest gift was one that Husband and I got for him with the idea that really it’s ours.  We’ll let him use it first, then his siblings, and someday we will just keep it for ourselves: a handmade step stool.  There is an artist we know who dismantles old barns that the owners want to demolish, and then he repurposes the wood for furniture.  The step stool is beautiful and practical; the dinosaurs are fun.  Son likes to “attack” us with them and say RAWR!

Tonight after dinner and after putting Son in bed, I felt the new little one kicking and squirming for the first time.  It seems really early, but according to BabyCentre after the first baby, once you can recognize the sensation and distinguish it from gas, you normally feel movement for the first time between 15 and 18 weeks.  We’ll be 15 weeks tomorrow, so this isn’t that farfetched.  It was a very slight sensation, and I couldn’t feel it with my hand on the outside, just on the inside.  I expect it will be a while before I feel any more, since if I hadn’t been sitting perfectly still at just the right moment I would never have noticed it.

Future Plans

I really did intend to write last night, but I fell asleep in front of the fire right after putting Son to bed.

We had our second appointment with the midwives’ group today.  Husband unexpectedly had to work, so it was just Son and me.  He took his baby with him and showed it to everybody in the office – the front desk staff, other ladies in the waiting room, the nurses, the midwife.  He was pretty trouble-free.  We read books while waiting for the midwife in the exam room.  Once she was there he had to show her his books and all the cats in them.  Thankfully people who deliver babies tend to like young kids!  He stood there and held his baby while we listened to the heartbeat of the baby in Mommy’s tummy on the doppler.  That’s honestly all that happened at that appointment.  Since Son was over 9lbs at birth they want me to take the glucose tolerance test early next time.  Large babies run in both of our families and Son has been quite healthy, so I’m not too concerned, but it’s good for them to have a policy to check anyway since maternal diabetes can be a big problem.

As we checked out we set up the appointment for my anomaly scan, which will be on the 14th of January.  As we discovered last time, it can be nice to know the sex of the baby in advance, mostly just to give us correct pronouns to use.  It will be nice to be able to talk to Son about his new baby brother, or his new baby sister.  Of course, if it isn’t oriented conveniently, we won’t find anything out, and that’s OK too.

Unless they find something wrong, this will be our only scan.  We don’t see any need to pay extra for elective scans, especially when it’s impossible to know whether there’s any increased risk of health problems.  I keep thinking about how it was recently noted that the mother getting flu during pregnancy carries an increased risk of heart problems in middle age.  Who would have thought?  The effect is slight enough that nobody noticed until someone actually compared the two carefully.  It’s not like you can choose whether or not to get the flu, but we can choose whether to have scans that serve no medical purpose.

Phew!

Yes, I’m still alive and kicking.  Grades are in and I just have to go in to work long enough to sign four forms tomorrow, and then I’m free for the holidays.  It’s nice to finally be able to come up for air.

We’re doing well here.  I have my second appointment with the midwives’ office on Friday, and there hasn’t been any reason to be concerned that all is not well.  It will probably be a very short visit.  They’ll listen to the heartbeat on the doppler, check the fundal height and say, “Yep, everything’s fine.” and send me home.  There’s really not a lot for them to do at this point when all is going normally.

People still say I’m not showing, although anything with a waist is long since uncomfortable and I can’t fit into several articles.  I’ve got horrible dry, itchy stretch marks on my stomach that are due, no doubt, mostly to the winter weather.  Husband put shea butter on them earlier today to help relieve the itching, after I suggested it might be a nice thing for him to do despite my being perfectly capable of doing it myself.  While my belly was exposed I caught sight of some old, healed stretch marks from last time.  I pointed them out and husband looked, and squinted, and shifted angles, and finally said, “Yes, there they are.  I can see them if the light hits them just right.”  He is a completely inept liar, so I feel good that my old stretch marks are nigh invisible, and hope I can be that lucky this time.  I didn’t have stretch marks nearly this early with Son, but then, he was conceived in the Spring, not the Fall.  And really…it doesn’t matter.  I have a healthy amount of vanity, but not so much I think stretch marks will really have any effect on my life.

The Long Hiatus

I feel terrible that I’ve let this go for a week without writing.  Anyone who has enough college experience to remember what the end of the semester is like should be able to sympathize, though.  Finals begin on Thursday, and by next Wednesday I have to have graded all of those, plus all of the semester projects they just turned in and exams that they will be taking tomorrow to conclude the last chapters of their courses.  I’ve spent the last week writing exams and catching up all the other grading (labs, quizzes).

Things haven’t been too exciting on the pregnancy side of things.  People who know I’m pregnant keep staring at me trying to decide whether I’m showing yet.  I should wear skin-tight spandex more often I guess, because my stomach feels HUGE and people can’t tell I look any different!  I can look down and see it sticking out several inches nice and rounded.  My belly button is even sticking out on one side.  The morning sickness is definitely gone and now I just have to make sure I eat regularly or my stomach will be unhappy due to being empty.  The only strange thing has been going on every day or two for the last week.  I described in a previous entry how I had a very strange sensation when I think my uterus moved to tilt forward after running out of room in back.  That has happened several more times but much less strongly.  It’s the same sort of sensation, like a really severe involuntary muscle spasm.  It makes me about double over with surprise at the sudden, strong sensation each time, but it doesn’t hurt.  I’m not sure how else to describe it even though I’m sure most people won’t think that description makes sense.

We’ve started telling Son that there’s a baby growing in Mommy’s tummy.  He’s fascinated with babies right now, but even though he nods and points seriously, I don’t think he understands that there’s really a baby in there, let along that it will come out one day.  He has been more gentle around my stomach though, so maybe some of it has sunk in a bit.  He is just starting to be able to hold conversations and it’s awfully nice.  He’s a thoughtful and agreeable child and it’s so wonderful to hear some of that communicated with his words.